Which TV character would get your final rose? (Not a euphemism)

During last week’s show (Sex on TV), Jess and I were talking about which TV characters we would select to be our 25 eligible bachelors for when we are inevitably cast on an alternate reality Bachelorette populated entirely by fictional TV characters. While Jess was able to narrow down her final 3 contestants pretty easily, I perhaps spent a little too much time thinking about my tenure as the Bachelorette and present for you now, my entire field of 25 TV characters (in no particular order), and the tough decisions I had to make during THE MOST SHOCKING BACHELORETTE SEASON EVER!

  1. Jim Halpert- The Office: Jim makes a good first impression with a charming, open smile and a genial personality, but ultimately I send him home in the second episode due to him not really standing out in the pack. Make-out status at time of departure: A really nice hug that actually makes me question my decision for a minute.
  2. Tim Riggins – Friday Night Lights: I mean, Tim Riggins you guys! He gets my first impression rose and the first solo date. I can’t keep my eyes off him and definitely make the first move. He wins me over with his Southern Charm and is an amazing kisser, but his ultimate unwillingness to open up has me making the hard decision to cut him a lot earlier than I had planned. People are shocked, and I cry a lot at his departure. I immediately drunkenly follow him on social media and like all of his Instagram posts within 6 seconds of him posting them. Make-out status at time of departure: nothing more than making out, despite me getting him pretty drunk.
  3. Landry Clark- Landry says something on the first night that makes me keep him around for some reason and he does well on all the group dates, but I don’t think we have the potential to be more than friends until he surprises me by kissing me one night and there are sparks! Nobody is more shocked than me. Landry gets cut right before hometowns. Make-out status at time of departure: I don’t kiss and tell, but let me tell you, Landry Clark is a dark horse you guys.
  4. Pacey Witter – Dawson’s Creek: Pacey immediately reminds me of the ideal man I wanted when I was 16, and had never been hurt. He’s handsome, sarcastic, funny and all of it covering up the heart of a hopeless romantic. He is also loved by all of the other guys and  probably came on the show as a lark and was surprised to find real feelings. Pacey makes it to the top three and the fantasy suite. I stare over a body of water contemplating my future with him.
  5. Henry Pollard – Party Down: I’m super attracted to Henry Pollard who makes me fancy cocktails and is generally adorable and cynical and openly makes fun of Chuck Bass to me. Our first solo date he fails epically at horse riding and is so charming about it I pretty much fall completely in love with him right there and then. He also sails into the Top 3 really easily. The fantasy suite is ELECTRIC.
  6. Jax Teller – Sons of Anarchy: Jax gets cut in episode one after cannonballing into the pool naked except for his white Jordan’s and his cut. It was a very difficult choice for me. Have you seen his ass? Make-out status at time of departure: oh, I still make out with him while he’s on the way to his motorcycle.
  7. Stan Rizzo – Mad Men: Stan’s pretty contentious from episode one and we have a kind of bickering/flirting thing going until I finally cut him in the third episode when he tells me he ‘doesn’t know what kind of crazy broad would do something like this anyway’. Make-out status at time of departure: One playful slap across the cheek.
  8. Don Draper – Mad Men: my jaw drops when Don gets out of the limo. He walks up to me and says ‘I’m Don Draper’ and I’m immediately struck mute. We make out a little against a wall before any other words are exchanged, but then he gets really wasted and falls in the pool. I reluctantly send him home. Get it together Draper! We could have had something! Make-out status at time of departure: one knee-knocking kiss that momentarily blinded me.
  9. Roger Sterling – Mad Men: Every other guy laughed at Roger, but that silver fox has some staying power. He doesn’t participate in any group dates and chooses to stay in the mansion getting drunk instead. I’m impressed and choose him for a solo date. He makes me laugh hysterically and is pretty openly lecherous, which somehow works for him. We have a boozy, really fun date and when I cut him after he gets lost in a whorehouse when the remaining guys and I go to Paris, we actually remain friends. Make-out status at time of departure: a little under the shirt action before he passes out.
  10. Wade Kinsella – Hart of Dixie: Wade makes it quite a bit further than he should have based on him being shirtless for every date (it was a bit inappropriate at the Opera date), but eventually gets cut in episode 3 when I catch him making out with a production assistant. Make-out status at time of departure: he’s racked up 3 staffers, but I never get past one make out in the pool. (It was very good, if somewhat perfunctory)
  11. Eric Northman – True Blood: Eric makes it into the Top 3 because he is the living embodiment of a Norse God. Also, he’s a vampire and he can fly. We have sex within 45 seconds of me meeting him, and I truly feel that it’s enough to build a lifetime on. Ultimately we’re torn apart by the whole “him living forever” thing and our tropical date having to be in a cave at night.  Make-out status at time of departure: too much sex to count. We actually have sex three times while I break up with him.
  12. Chandler Bing – Friends: Chandler is cut the first night. Sorry Chandler. Tough crowd. Make-out status at time of departure: no kisses. Could He BE any more friend-zoned?
  13. Jake Ballard – Scandal: Jake stays until the fourth episode because he’s hot and brooding and has an air of mystery, but is also way paranoid and definitely talks about all of the other guys not being there for  the right reasons. We have good chemistry but he gets cut for rampant paranoia and always being a total conspiracy-theorist. Make-out status at time of departure: sex, but you know he’s one of those guys who picks you up and holds you against a wall while having sex, which is good the first time, but maybe I don’t want a complete core workout every time I have sex JAKE!
  14. Damon Salvatore – The Vampire Diaries: cut in the first episode when I realize that despite being super hot and a vampire, his entire way of communicating depends upon him squinting after every snarky sentence he utters. Make-out status at time of departure: oh, we totally made out. He’s a vampire. You guys know I’m a fang banger.
  15. Jake McCarthy – Girlfriends Guide to Divorce: the guy everyone is telling me is really not here for the right reasons. There’s something sort of sexy about his midlife divorcey angst, but I cut him when I realize he’s definitely not over his ex. Make-out status at time of departure: one drunken kiss. Not even that great.
  16. Adam Braverman – Parenthood: Adam is total husband material. I cut him immediately. He now does my taxes every year and I love his Christmas card with the family in matching sweaters. Make-out status at time of departure: ew. Not even.
  17. Raylan Givens – Justified: Raylan is sexy as hell and I cry a little bit when I cut him (episode 4 on a two-on-one date), but I sure do like to see him walk away if you know what I mean. Too much baggage with his job though. Make-out status at time of departure: some pretty intense kisses that made me  a little fluttery.
  18. Tommy Shelby – Peaky Blinders: Tommy gets cut when I find him pulling a razor blade on his roommate (Wade Kinsella). I’m kinda into it tbh, but feel like I have to set an example. Make-out status at time of departure: nothing because he’s so angsty.
  19. Rob Norris – Catastrophe: Rob is really going somewhere and is so sweet and funny but I cut him when I see him shirtless and hirsute by the pool. Sorry, Rob. Make-out status at time of departure: nothing (but it was heading that way. Too bad I’m so shallow)
  20. Chuck Bass – Gossip Girl: I cut Chuck immediately because he looks like an evil frog, but he stays in touch and I slowly come to regret my decision. We eventually hook up 5 years later in Paris. It’s disappointing, but his hotel suite is spectacular.
  21. Will Truman – Will & Grace: yes, he’s gay, but hey it’s my list. Will makes it to the Top 5 and we still get brunch every week. Make-out status: nope.
  22. Ted Mosby – How I Met Your Mother: Aw, Ted. So cute, so earnest. He wins a one-on-one date pretty early on and is cute, so I keep him around but have to cut him when I realize he has named our future children after that first date. Make-out status: one deep, meaningful kiss that I tried to take farther.
  23. Danny Castellano – The Mindy Project: Danny gets cut the first night despite being an adorable doctor. One Catholic with severe guilt in a relationship is enough, and his constant referencing of his Ma is off putting. No making out here either.
  24. Kevin Garvey – The Leftovers: he mesmerizes me for three episodes with his Chocolate eyes and insane Latisse-level eyelashes, but gets cut when he just can NOT lighten up. Make-out status: a little kiss, but he cried afterwards.
  25. Spenser Strasmore -Ballers: Spenser bench presses me effortlessly and hugging him is like being embraced by warm granite, but I cut him when he tells me he lives in Miami. Deal breaker. Also, I kinda fear being smothered by him rolling over on me in my sleep.

Ultimately in a really tough decision on my EMOTIONAL JOURNEY, Pacey Witter emerges triumphant because maybe your 16 year old self actually knows a little about love. His speech makes me ugly cry on national TV, but he doesn’t propose because IT IS INSANE to agree to marry someone you just met 6 weeks ago, perhaps more insane than coming up with a list of 25 fictional TV characters you would date. Anyway, be that as it may, we live together for three years, get married after that and  go on to be very happy with two kids and a nice house and all that jazz. Yay true love! (Henry comes over for dinner with his wife occasionally. He seems really happy too, and it’s kind of an unspoken thing that if Pacey ever kicks it, Henry will step up.)

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